Old Lawn Mower Posts

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/

Hi. I'm Mike's inanimate and obstinate old mower. We met in 2003 @Ace Hardware. He found me temperamental. For that, I broke my grass protector and he had to pay for a new one and install himself. Before that even, he did not pay much attention to me and I blew out my carburetor. Then he started cleaning my carb once a month. Good boy. But I still demanded more attention by having little things go wrong. He responded oafishly. Well this past summer our relationship really hit the skids. I blew out my starter coil twice. He fixed me once and then I did it again. So we have parted. I wished him and his new Craftsman well. He wished me well in the junkyard. I heard he already has dumped the new Craftsman for another one. Jerk. My mother warned me about guys like him.

Besides, I like grass!

The Past Posts

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/

Hi. It's me Mikey, from about 1980. See how damaged I was from the Carter years? Any who I have used a time machine to post to this Intronut thing because my 43 year old self apparently has better things to do. If I know myself well and I think I do, he is probably sitting somewhere beering it up and complaining about the government full time. Did you know I am on Facebook? Don't ask me. We just got rid of our
1950's Westinghouse TV. I wonder if in the year 2009 there will be flying cars, free porn and robot body guards to beat up the bullies who don't like mouthy skinny kids. The primary reason for my post today is to report on my future sound device. Kinda like a Walkman on steroids. It is called the MikePod:

Steely Dan: "The Royal Scam"
The Police: "Synchronicity"
REM: "Reckoning"
Meat Puppets: "Monsters"
Replacements: "Let It Be"
Public Image Ltd: "9"
Beach Boys: "Good Vibrations Box Disc 3"
Midnight Oil: "Diesel & Dust"

Send me an email Don't hold your breath, It will be about 30 years in the future before I read it.

Brett Favre Posts, maybe, yes, no maybe

Hi. I am the most indecisive man in America. Congratulate me. Obviously "Con" is in congratulate and I have pulled another con on the NFL, media and more to the point the Vikings. I like attention like 95% of the young women who have appeared on MTV's "The Real World." I don't like training camp, the Packers and inattention. I just hired Spencer Pratt to handle my publicity. He is going to put out a statement that I am not lipsynching in concert and that my breasts are real. Also, he is excited about my Playboy spread. I didn't know I had one. Oh well, more food @ the attention buffet for me I say! Now, blue pants or white? Red? Black?
Here's Mike's iPod info:

MikePod:
Police: "Ghost In The Machine"
Steely Dan: "Katy Lied" In Chicago this week, playing several nights, a whole album each night.
Billy Idol: "Greatest Hits"
Muddy Waters: "Best Of" Any album of his could be a Best of
Neil Young: "Mirror Ball" Pearl Jam backs him up on this one.
Stone Temple Pilots: "Core"
Public Image Ltd: "Happy?"
Black Sabbath: "Volume 4" Metal classic
Deep Purple: "Machine Head" Ditto (Not in a Rush Limbaugh way)

Plax Posts

Hi Plaxico Buress here. I am posting for Mike while I wait for the boat that sends me up the river. Let's get something straight right now. If I am drowning my sorrows like the way I drowned my career in a bar do not ask me if I want a shot OK? That's like asking Rachel Barton if she wants a leg when you are eating chicken. That reminds me of a story Mike told me. He was in college and partying @ some one's house (of course it was some one's house, somebody owned it) and there was a guy who lost his left hand. Well he did not misplace it, it was amputated. Anyway, Mikey says this guy was obnoxious and ordering him around. He demanded a beer, chips, salsa @ the same time, so Mike goes "Hold on, gimme a hand!". Needless to say the evening ended early after a heated discussion of etiquette. Moral: Think before you speak, OK?

Peace out!
Plax

Abe Vigoda posts

Hi I'm Abe Vigoda. Yes, I am still alive.
In addition to appearing in the Godfather and Barney Miller, I had an awful sitcom called Fish. Oh and another thing. If you see a sign in a market that says "Fresh Fish Here" that does not mean I showered and am appearing @ your local market, OK? I am tired of being asked to pose for photographs with puckered up lips. I hated that show. My wife had a voice that killed birds in midair. I am trademarking the Fresh Fish name. Could be a good rapper name or sitcom. Or a sitcom starring a rapper. Did you see some jerk is marketing t-shirts w/ my mug on them? Anyway here's Mike's vitals:

MikePod:
Steely Dan: "Pretzel Logic"
The Police: "Zenyatta Mondata" Mike wants to write a rap song called "Help The Police". Meaning local law enforcement, not this band.
Deep Purple: Made In Japan. Iron Maiden had a live album called "Maiden Japan" Nice to know there is a sense of humor in metal.
Jesus & Mary Chain: "Automatic"
Talking Heads: "Stop Making Sense"
Van Halen: "Van Halen II"
Whitesnake: "Slide It In"
Yardbirds: "Live Yardbirds" Has an early version of "Dazed & Confused"
Neil Young: "Ragged Glory"

Rodney Allen Rippy Posts!

Hi folks, memba me? I used to do those Jack In The Box commercials in 1970's where some union guy would stick a burger bigger than my torso in my face and watch cuteness and hilarity ensue. Not only was I short, so was my career! So any chance to get back in the public eye is welcomed. Did you know I am now hawking long distance service? If Mike were to open a fast food place, he would call it "Jerk In The Box". He does a lot of different things, Mike is a "Jerk Of All Trades" Ha ha ha!Anyway, here's Mikey's business:

On the MikePod:
Morrissey: Kill Uncle
REM: Murmur
Steely Dan: Countdown To Ecstasy
Ultra Vivid Scene: Ultra Vivid Scene
Van Halen: Women and Children First
Willie Dixon: I Am The Blues
Urge Overkill: Saturation
Whitesnake: Slide It In
Yes: 90120
Mike finished another book

Phoning It In

T.O.'s Ego checks in

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/



Hi I'm Terrell Owen's ego. Not T.O. himself, just his ego. So that means I'm big. I could also be Dolly Parton's cleavage,but I'm jokin. The picture you are seeing is how big I got after T.O. scored his first NFL touchdown. Did you know we have a breakfast cereal? We invented it in the garage. We were trying to make the world's smallest sponges, but it tasted too good to waste, or waist? Lately that horndog Jon from Jon Vs Kate, I mean Jon & Kate is scoring more than T.O. Anyway, while T.O. is working on his reality show, I thought I would report on Ole Mikey's business:

On the MikePod:
Bad Company: Burnin Sky: Awful LP from a band I, uh Mike, usually likes
Ultra Vivid Scene: Joy 1967-1990. Pretty good alternative pop from UVS, aka Kurt Ralske
David Bowie: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars: A glam classic. Not a graham cracker.
Veruca Salt: American Thighs. The 2 women who founded this band broke up over a guy, Dave Grohl.
Urge Overkill: Exit The Dragon: Great 90's album
Van Halen: Fair Warning

Mike is toying with the idea of doing a monthly audio podcast in addition to the monthly videoblogs.
He might also do an ID for WTTW
Oh, he also finished another book.
Say hi sometime. Beer provided by Sam Adams Summer Ale.

Jailbird Phil Spector Checks In

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/


Hi, I'm Mr. Wall of Sound. I'm also in prison. I spend a lot of time training myself to not pick up anything I drop, ya dig? It is hard being incarcerated for killing a perfectly good blond. If I took out one of the cast members of "The Hills" I would have received a medal. Maybe 2. Because I had so much disposable income, I could keep guns around my house and intimidate people when my toupees didn't. I miss them. They always gave me unconditional love. I hope my wife is feeding them. Speaking of disposable income, have you seen Stephon Marbury's webcasting antics? See Stephon crash his car. See him cry. See him eat Vaseline. At least it was not Valvoline. Anyway, someone else who is not in the slammer will report to you soon on the MikePod and the latest book that Egghead Mac Mullen has finished.

Taco Bell Dog/Son Of Sam

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/


Hello. If you are reading this I am dead. Yes, I used my cute charm and spanish accent (kinda like Salma Hayek) to sell you mucho amounts of chalupas. What you may not know is that I was also the Son Of Sam. That's right, I was the telekinetic dog who instructed that cutie pie Dave Berkowitz to take out those people in the 1970's in New York. He didn't have to listen to me! Hey, how come when people hear voices they always do bad things? Why can't people who hear voices hear benign things like investment advice? Or maybe recipes? I gotta go and hopefully get through the Pearly Gates. Sounds like a gameshow host huh? By the way, ole Mikey finished another book. Also, if he were to have a couple it would be provided by Coors. News would be provided by Lauren Cohn

Broken Down Babe Alert! Mischa Barton Posts

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/


Wow. No one remembers me except for the OC. I am batshit crazy and I don't like to eat. I will kill you if you invite me to smorgasbord. If Sascha Baron Cohen ate that way would it be "Smorgasborat?" BTW (By the way, that means By The Way)Mike finished another book. I hope to get past the copyright page one of these days.I have to go. I am on a 5150 hold. Not Van Halen, just a nice rest so I don't have to promote another awful movie no one but the guy I am ordering around, uh dating, will watch.

Mischa Barton (through her PR person)

Genius Alert! Lauren Conrad Posts!

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/

Hi LC here. That's Lauren Conrad, not LC Greenwood. As you no doubt (not the band) know, I have left "The Hills" to pursue other opportunities just like Mike. I wanted to update the world about my latest endeavors. I am on my way to MIT to shape the minds of the future with my intellectual firepower. Did you know I have written a book? I didn't either, I was just told by my handlers that I did. Anyway, there are 3 things I hate: 1) Other blondes: Why do they all have to look like me? 2) The "B" word, Brunette. Yuck! 3) Redheads: I did not know that Lucille Ball was a redhead. Really! I always thought she had black and white hair. Who knew? Well I gotta go. I am going to put out another book called the Conradist Manifesto. It will be like Groucho Marx's book about a political system. In my case, it is how TV producers, handlers and a brilliant young woman can manipulate the TV proletariat. Whatever that means.

Kisses!
Lauren

Special Guest Crumudgeon: Wilford Brimley

http://mrbuyer.blogspot.com/
I'm Wilford Brimley. I have diabetes. I also have not had a dump since the Carter Administration. You'd be grumpy too. Anyway, I thought I would use the free time here provided by the city slickered jerk who writes this garbage and talk about Liberty Medical. They send you your supplies when you need them. No forms to fill out (Old people hate to fill out forms) No charge for shipping (old people hate shipping and they also hate to be charged for it.) I am also making inroads in to the hip hop community. See my rap video? How's that for keeping it real? Ever hear my LP? I can rock it out if need be. By the way, Mike finished another book report. Alright, I have to go and be ornery somewhere else. Maybe over @Betty White's. Before I head over there(get it?)I need to do a Viagra commercial. I should probably also have a Metamucil milkshake.

Peace out beyatch!
Wilford

Ina Garten Posts

Ina Garten

I am an elitist. My nose is stuck up so high that I can touch the top of the Sears Tower sitting down. 3 Things I am not: 1) Mindy Cohn (Facts Of Life) 2) Ina Garden 3) The Big Fat Contessa. Mike is a commoner. Unlike me, he is striving to improve himself, where as I don't have to. Because I am a thoughtful person I decided to take myself down a notch (or 30) and contribute to this blog while he is away. 2 days ago I ate a sandwhich. I did not know you could eat it in your hands! (I didn't use my hands, just the hands of the hapless intern who is writing this. I am afraid of the Intronet.) It had been so long since I had a sandwich. Let's see, today is Wed, Tuesday, Monday, ah yes, June 4, 1967! There was a servants strike in the Hamptons and the gold utensils were dirty. So we had to improvise.

On the MikePod: (Isn't that cute! I don't have an iPod, I just hire bands to play for me in person)

Heaven & Hell: "The Devil You Know"
Pink Floyd: "A Momentary Lapse Of Reason"
Love & Rockets: "Love & Rockets"

Stop The Freemasons

Hi DVP here again! I watched the coverage of the Michael Jackson Memorial and it made me think that the Freemasons have struck again. They forced ABC to cancel Eight is Enough because they did not want America entertained in the 1970's. Their actions made Susan Richardson bat shit crazy, Adam Rich a junkie and Willie Aames a Jesus Freak and fat.

I am announcing counter measures to the Freemasons. We are calling our group the "Captivemasons". Hopefully, we can bring back Eight is Enough. Hopefully, my new wife on the show will be hot, like Tanya Memme

I saw HGTV has a new show called "Bang For Your Buck" I thought it was about prostitution.

I have to go. The next celebrity is very snooty, just like Bang For Your Buck.

Special Guest: Dick Van Patten

Hi. Why am I taking over this lowly blog on a guest basis? Cause I have nothing else to do that's why! I also have not had this much fun since I saw Betty Buckley's blouse button come off on the set of Eight Is Enough. She played my 2nd wife, but next to me she looked like she was 15. Did you know my son Vincent likes to gamble and do commercials for casino's?

BTW, Mike asked me to mention that he has completed another book and has filed a book report. He finished one on Ted Kennedy and continued to work on the Tom Friedman one. Latest review here

Happy Birthday America/July 4 musings.

While I Aldo Chellabrated the 4th with some Miller High Life, I started musing about the future. Specifically, cloud computing. I use Google Docs. I like the forms feature that tie into a spreadsheet so you can collect information. What beer should we buy, what should I wear to the bank robbery, etc.

I used the forms feature to set up a meetings with some colleagues recently. So I have accounts with Google Docs, Think Free, Zoho and Edit Grid. You can collaborate online, store these off line, and they are all free! No $150 bloatware to install. No wondering who has the most current version of the document.

I saw Larry King @Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch this week. I bet he was wondering if MJ's ghost would show up. I love to watch Larry cuz he has no clue about pop culture and it is particularly great if he has no interest in the subject @ hand and you can tell some hapless intern is feeding him questions in his headset.

Starting next week, the first of several guests will post on this blog while I devote time to other issues.

Birthday musings

So I turned 43 July 1. It got me to thinking about things. Like maybe I need to try some new things. While I figure that out, I will have some interesting people take over this blog. I'll make posts through the weekend, but here are some things I noticed in the news recently:

Man inpersonates dead mother: If I was this guy, I would be bothered that I actually fooled people into believing I was an elderly woman. I am sure that will go down well in prison. If I was 90 today instead of 43, I might have picked up flowers. Not.

City workers must wear underwear: Really? How does one, uh enforce that? Does tape count?

Angelina Jolie celebrates world refugee day: I did not know refugees enjoy their status or lack there of. What does one serve? Cake? What does one wear to a party like this? Torn clothes? So nice of Angie to join the little people.

Paula's Party

Revised (6/28/09)
This has to be one of the goofiest shows I've ever seen. I find it ridiculous. So you might ask "Why watch it Mike?" Fair question. Here are my reasons:

1) First she does this seductive dance in the opening. There is a mirror ball twirling. It is festive. I feel she is speaking/gesturing (jestering?) to me. Then I usually snap out of it and put on Sabado Gigante.

2) She dresses up and hosts a lot of has been celebrities. I have seen Chris Knight of the Brady Bunch who is now famous for having a young hot wife than any vocational activity he is involved with. I also saw the Fridge from the 1985 Bears. What Mike Richardson was not available?

3) I usually only watch the opening and then the guests and then I move on to something else to annoy myself. So I don't invest a lot of time.

4) With her southern drawl she will take 10 minutes to pronounce the word "ham" "Hayammmmmm" I hope she does not serve Hamm's beer. It would take 3 hours to ask for @the liquor store.

OK, I am still talking to other folks to take over the blog while I am on my sabbatical. If I choose to listen exclusively to Black Sabbath, would I be taking a "sabbathical?"

On the MikePod:
Yardbirds: "Ultimate! Disc 1"
Bad Company: "Anthology Disc 1"
Black Sabbath: "Paranoid"
Green Day: "International Superhits"
White Stripes: "Elephant"
David Bowie: "ChangesBowie"

Beer brought to me by Miller, news brought to me by Nancy Pender

Some People Should Say Yes To Drugs.

Ed McMahon (Hi Yo!), John Callaway, Farrah (Forke? Franklin?, like she needs a last name) and Michael Jackson. Enough of the dead and dying, time to make with the funny.

So Elizabeth Becton does not like to be called Liz. Like batshit crazy does not want to be called Liz. She works for a congressman and is in charge of his schedule. A hapless staff person @ a lobbying firm was trying to set up a meeting with the congressman she supports and addresses Ms. Becton as Liz. Ms. Becton over the course of 19 emails (19!)berated this person over this terrible misstep. Now it is all over the Internet. If I was Ms. Becton here's how I would try to go forward:

1) Commit to having a solid bowel movement. I mean battle ship (battleshit?) size. In fact, I would commit to one each day. A dump a day keeps the anger away.
2) A nice long vacation. Perhaps an amish bed and breakfast. No TV, No Internet, no instant coffee, no informal naming.
3) Counseling. Better yet, some people should say yes to drugs.

On a lighter (not for cigarettes) note. My birthday is this July 1. I have some things I want to achieve and experience. As a result, I am going to take a break from this blog. However, I think this blog should go on while I am away. Therefore, I have engaged some interesting people to continue while I find myself. Or someone else. This will take affect after the July 4th weekend. Feel free to comment @ mhmacmullen@gmail.com